Keep Calm and Prepare for Marriage!
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It’s my wedding anniversary soon, and as usual, a girl has been reflecting; no scratch that; analyzing. A girl has been analyzing the teeny weeny years of marriage. I won’t pretend. ‘Why did I get Married?’ is not just a movie it’s a valid question that has popped up in my head hundreds of times.
There are nuggets here and there on what to do, what to say, how to behave, on submission, on love, on kids, on this on that. But recently, I began to ask myself what I could have done to prepare myself for marriage. While waiting to get married, especially if you’re single, you may have been advised to plan your wedding in faith. Dear friend of mine, I do not come to you by chance J don’t plan your wedding in faith biko. Plan your marriage in faith!
At some point I had told myself, I just don’t have the commitment it takes to make a marriage work. I look at my single friends who want to be married so badly and I’ve been itching to say, “Sister, are you sure you want to get married? Marriage is not beans o! Plus there’s only so much you can discuss and discover before you get married.”
I apologize if I’m presenting marriage as a dreaded territory, no it’s not. I have just come to realize that being adequately prepared for marriage, prior to getting married will do wonders for your marriage. Then it can shape the discussions and discoveries you want to have or make prior to getting married. The preparation goes beyond knowing how to cook, or keep a home or take care of children. Marriage is not about everyday activities, it’s an invisible transaction between you and your spouse. It’s about connection, it’s about forgiveness, it’s about patience, it’s about submission, it’s about love.
A friend once said marriage counseling should be for everybody and not just those about to get married, so that you can be prepared and I totally agree. What’s the essence of marriage counseling when a wedding date has been fixed and plans are already underway? Nobody wants to disgrace their parents and call of a wedding at quarter to go; at least not in Nigeria.
This is not intended to be a long post. The post by Alicia Bruxvoort and A sentence advertising Dr. Kim Kimberling’s book inspired this post. “All of us want an enduring marriage, a beautiful marriage we can believe in. That kind of marriage happens through intimacy. Intimacy requires hard work…” see, I’m not the only one on the hard work subject. But did I realize this prior to marriage, I’m not exactly sure I did.
So I thought to share this with my unmarried friends. There’s so much to do prior to getting married, and preparing to stay married is the most important of all. How to connect every day in spite of what’s in the way, learning how to fight in the right ways, stopping the insanity of doing the same thing over and over even when it isn’t working. Etc. well those are the points from Dr. Kim’s book. But I recommend that you set standards for yourself in marriage and don’t compromise. By compromise I mean do not lower your standards. So if you determine to kiss your husband or wife good night everyday for instance, don’t stop just because you took offence at something.
Marriage is bliss, but marriage is hard work, and I think it’s important everyone goes in prepared. It’s an endless Ph.D programme. Years of research and hard work and a resolve not to quit are required. I’m no marriage expert, and probably still hold a learners permit in marriage, but there’s a lifetime ahead of me, and I have resolved to learn every day. If you are a Christian like me, my Pastor has said the manual for marriage is the Bible. you may want to start your research from the Holy Book.
So ‘eyin temi’, while thou hast waiting for Mr. Right, prepare on how to be ‘iyawo’ Mr. Right for the rest of your life.
Biko – igbo word meaning please, Eyin temi – Yoruba phrase meaning my people, Iyawo – Yoruba word meaning wife